Thursday, 29 May 2008

Bus Stop Madness!

Ever have those moments where you just think to yourself; "please God... just this once!" I seem to be having them a lot regularly nowadays... One of those moments is when I step on the bus and have to ask for a return ticket. Now picture this scenario:

The bus rolls up, there's a queue of people behind you all racing to get on the bus. The majority of those waiting already have bus passes, they just stroll pass... you're up next. You know what you're going to say!

"City return ticket. City return ticket. City return ticket. City return ticket."

You go up, feel the block.. and there it is again. Pressure builds up! Unsure of what the people behind are thinking of you as you convince yourself that you're holding everyone up, when in fact you're not really... So what happens?

"City please."

That's right, no return bit... This may seem kind of minimal but two single tickets cost 4 pounds, (that's about eight dollars, crazy.. I know) whereas a return costs 3 pounds (six dollars). So I end up spending that extra pound more merely because I can't (don't want to) say the flipping return part!

Now I'm sure many of you are wondering why I don't just word substitute? I tried that once... Got two single tickets, and naturally my friends found that amusing.


Seems really quite silly that I do this often; pay that extra pound more just to avoid the pressure that I, myself, build. I've probably lost quite a bit in the long run, and sadly this isn't the only scenario.

Next year... I'm getting myself a bus pass!

Monday, 26 May 2008

One's stuttering evolution?

Maybe I'm just overthinking things or my memorys hazy; even if I'm far from the age of dellusion, but am I the only one whose stuttering behaviour seems to alter over time? What I mean is that when I look back ten years, or even five, I remember myself trying to control my stutter in a different manner.

For example, when I was a child I began to develop the head tilts and ticks which are common among fellow stutterers. I eventually stopped doing this after my father shouted at me to stop doing so. Although it was pretty brutal for me back then, it certainly did make me stop the ticks - obviously not the stutter.

From then on, in my early teens, I would stutter and just keep trying to force the word out until I ran out of air and keep going. If I can recall correctly my stutter wasn't as bad as it can be nowadays, but maybe that's just wishful thinking? Anyway, now two things happen:

  1. I try to speak past the block, it fails, and I stutter and stutter till after a few seconds of stuttering I stop. I then try to relax and say what I want to.
  2. I notice the block, stop, try to relax and say what I want to.
Sounds pretty decent no? Well, not really. What basically happens is that the blocks still there and I just end up repeating the prior few words a lot until I can manage to get past the block. So basically what this means is that on a bad day I end up saying a sentence which is highly fragmented. And I can only imagine how difficult it might be for those who are trying to listen and grasp what I'm saying. Admittedly, the latter approach does work occasionally.

So I'm starting to wonder to myself is it better to try and stammer past the block or to take a break and try to relax? Not for me, but for those listening.

As for the head tilts, I'm pretty sure I don't do those anymore but I'm fairly sure the facial ticks have crept back.

As krass as it may sound, is there a better way to stutter? Has anybody else noticed how their stutter has evolved over their lifetime?

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Introductory kind of thing?

How does someone start one of these things off anyhow? Well anyway, I have been stuttering for as long as I remember. There was no significant event that started it, it just started. I don't really know when exactly it started. I know I've asked my parents but they gave me a wishy washy answer and it, surprisingly, didn't really concern me too much. I mean, afterall, I stutter - how will knowing when exactly it started help?

Since I can remember I have participated in numerous therapies, some with scientific logic behind them, others with spiritual faith behind them. From the logical to the lunical. What I can categorically say about all of them is I pretty much hated all of them, most probably because of the tediousness of them. However, there was one that actually showed a noteable improvement (Del Ferro Method), I'll probably talk about that experience later on...

I have been in over a dozen of different schools due to my family relocating, have had to introduce myself countless times. And it is this that amazes me, WHY is it so damn hard to say your own fricking name!? Something I have experienced more and more in my first year of University...

*class begins*
Teacher: Alright, so how about we go around the room and all introduce ourselves?
Me: *panics*
*students introduce themselves in a calm, boring fashion*
Me: *thinks to himself* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*student before me finishes his introduction, all eyes on me*
Me: M-m-m *pauses* My name's M-mike and I................
*finish introduction and let my heart rate fall to a normal amount*

This is one of my most terrifying experiences at university so far. When I'm talking to people in person it's not as bad. Seeing as I've introduced myself to a stupid amount of people since I've been here, mainly because I've had to, I sometimes even manage to say my name without a stutter!

So why the blog? Well, I never really paid much attention to my stutter, mostly thanks to my family, until my teenage years where it began to frustrate and bother me. Or at least that's when I can really remember it troubling me. However, since it started troubling me it's just grown and grown and I've recently started browsing the internet and stumbled upon numerous interesting blogs of people who stutter and figured why not tell people of all my tales? Even if this makes me a bit of a hypocrite as I swore a while back I would never have a blog, but I feel this blog has more of a point than just being a diary... Time will tell I guess! Sooo! This is basically a blog to show the mindset and emotional insights of someone who stutters...

Oh, apologies for the run-ons, fragments etc... I'm not perfect.